It is honestly a miracle that I’ve even found the time or motivation to write this. A lot of things have changed since I last checked in, and I’m still not entirely sure how those changes are going to affect me but they are most definitely here! But let’s talk updates via me discussing my concerns and problems:
This past year has been the best year of my life. I’ve changed more quickly than I ever had before, almost all in ways that I wanted to and had hoped to. I got to know myself in a way that was only possible with the perspective I gained here, and always one to define my value via productivity, I wrote and learned and generally did more than I ever had before.
While part of the reason for that is that I came to college and found myself in an environment far more conducive to personal growth than high school, I also think it was because I didn’t get romantically involved with anyone (whether that was of my own choice or someone else’s is still up for discussion lol). There’s lots of ways to frame this. Without someone to throw all my free time into being with, I spent days dancing, writing, learning languages, and generally improving myself. Without the emotional preoccupation inherent in relationships, I had space in my mind to think about new things, to challenge the way I thought and to put energy into thinking about other things. For example, I spent all year writing poems about my family, when before all I could do was write shitty love poetry. I was happy and driven, and so I just kept pushing myself, and turned out far better because of it.
Then…things happened. And I’m so happy that they did but now I’m stuck because I can’t reconcile the following two beliefs: I believe I am a full person in and of myself and I am capable of being happy and content by myself. I also believe that there is something uniquely fulfilling about being in a relationship; there really isn’t anything quite like being wanted by someone you want.
So now I’m in this weird place where I keep oscillating between trying to be a person and trying to be in love and it’s stressing me out. I still want to be me. But I also want to quit my job and not go to dance auditions and not write and spend every waking moment knowing you and experiencing you. Contentment is such a dangerous feeling because I feel like once you’re content you stop wanting to do things…and I don’t want to stop doing things but I’m also content??? I’m a mess I know, what else is new lol