So I’ve been a bit of a hot mess these past few weeks…lots of incoherent crying, lots of intense ideological debates with myself about what I value and what I want to prioritize and who I am etc etc. It’s just been kind of rough, especially in comparison to how life has/had been for the past two quarter But I think I’ve had enough time to organize my mess of emotions into some vaguely coherent thoughts on why exactly my spring quarter has been feeling so completely…shitty.
- My classes: After a quarter of Greek myth, poetry, and dictionaries, I’m currently taking a schedule consisting of biology, comparative medicine, and CS. It’s been fun learning new things (“oh..so THAT’S what Karel is…”) and they’re all classes that I really find valuable and enjoy a lot, but just the massive shift in the type of work I need to do and the ways I need to think have been immensely jarring. For some reason my course schedule this quarter also just requires me to physically be in a classroom a lot more than last quarter and as someone who really values independent work time, this has been bothering me a lot too. Some days it just feels like I’ve spend the entire day passively in a lecture hall. I also just feel like I haven’t been as good of a student this quarter. I’ve been missing classes (both for avoidable and unavoidable reasons), I’m falling asleep so much in class that I literally miss the entire lecture, and I’ve just been really disappointed in myself as a student. I’m doing my work well enough that my grades haven’t taken a hit yet, but I’m not here to get good grades you know? I’m here to actually learn shit and the fact that I haven’t being doing that to the fullest extent is just…terrible. My parents aren’t emptying their bank accounts so I can come here and screw around with my education and I know it’s on me to do better but I also just haven’t had the capacity to because…
- My activities aka the quarter where I’ve become the queen of half assing: I hate half assing things. If I’m going to do something, I’m either doing it completely to the best of my abilities or I just won’t do it. The problem is, I think I’ve taken on so much this quarter that it’s become impossible for me to do anything well. I’ve been missing meetings, missing practices, and it feels horrible. I do my clubs and organizations because they’re things I care deeply about and genuinely love, and I feel like I haven’t been able to do anything properly thus far this quarter and I’m just failing everyone by being such a mess. The stress of having to constantly choosing between conflicts and telling people I can’t make things has also really taken a toll on me. Between pledging and dancing and poetry and DormGov and my job and AASA and god knows why I thought it was a good idea to become an editor for the Stanford Journal of Asian American Studies wtf was I thinking, I just feel like I’m not doing anything right.
- FOMO is a bitch: As both a result and a symptom of the two above things, I haven’t been able to spend as much time with my friends as I would like and I just feel like I’m missing out on a lot. Like, obviously my friends are not going to abandon me because I’m not there for every hangout but being around my friends is one of the few times I feel relaxed and feel like I’m taking a break, and so not being able to get in that time has just made me ever more stressed.
Not to say there aren’t good moments. Dancing for 3 hours on Saturday felt amazing. I’ve met so many kickass women while pledging. My friends continue to persistently amaze me with how intelligent and loving they are. But everything also feels shaded by this cloud of grey that I can’t shake, and I can’t figure out what’s causing it or what’s being affected by it. I don’t know. Issues w my body and appearance continue to persist. Even the fact that I haven’t been to stick to my routine of getting up at 8 and exercising is messing with me. A lot of the problems above also have just brought up a lot of internal debates I’m having about what I value and what I want to stand for and I’m feeling like I don’t really know myself anymore.
I don’t have a very good reason for going into the messy details of why I am currently such a mess, but writing has always helped me remind myself that I am not alone, and the things I feel do not need to isolate me. Ironically, in the mess of my life right now, the one thing I am sure of is that I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to pretend things are going well when they aren’t.